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Okay, it’s time for a more serious post now.  I’m all coffee’d out and I don’t want to be silly.  We need to discuss some serious business.  

I am at an impasse.  Actually, I’m not sure if impasse is good terminology.  Here is the situation.  I am a big dyke.  Trust me, it wasn’t “instant” big dyke.  It’s taken me a while to get to this place but here I am and I’m not sitting on the fence.  I like women.  I dig chics.  I am the very definition of dyke that you might find in the gay/lesbian dictionary.   Although I’m not sure if there is such a thing but there is in my head!  I used to be married to men.  Three marriages to be exact.  They didn’t work out for a variety of reasons.  But one of them is definitely because I was into women and didn’t realize it.  So, the common heterosexual relationship is a “been there, done that” kind of thing for me.  I envy the lesbians who have always been in touch with who they are and didn’t have to go through a lot of instability to come the the realization of who they were.  I have four lovely children out of those deals though and I’ll never regret that.  They are the best thing I’ve ever done with my life.  They’re amazing and even more amazing to put up with me and my changes all these years.  I could add pages and pages to this story between the beginning and where I am now but I’d be here all night.  Right now, in this very moment in time, I am me and me loves women.  

The impasse?  My partner has come out to me as trangendered.  She has gone to this place in the past but she always backs out and says she thinks she was confused.  It gets swept under the rug only to return three years later for another round of confusion.  This time I am refusing to let it get swept under a rug.  It shouldn’t be a matter of not being who one is for the sake of the person they are with – ever.  It’s unacceptable to expect someone to be something they are not.  To give oneself to another you must first be whole and holy within yourself.  These things I believe to be total truths.

The impasse?  What does one do when they are a not-even-close-to-sitting-on-the-fence dyke and they find themselves in a relationship that’s spanned close to a decade with someone who is about embark on their own personal journey to become male?  Hrm.

Everyone let’s bow our heads and ponder.  🙂


About instantdyke

How does one fit everything they could into one small box and have it make sense? I don't think it's possible. I could make a small defined list of what makes up "me" but honestly it changes every day because the experiences we go through are the things that keep us bound and flexible at the same time. If you really want to know about me I guess you'll just have to read the blog because spontaneity usually is the key to finding out someone's true self anyway.

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