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A Two Mango Margarita Day

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I’m SO all over the board today.  Partly because I’m tired.  I work an alternating graveyard shift schedule at a high stress job.  One week it’s three days on and three days off and the next week it’s four days on and four days off.  I just finished up with my four days on and you could wring me out like a limp dish rag.  I average anywhere from four to five hours of sleep each day because I help watch my grandson that lives with me while his mama works and goes to school and it’s quite time consuming albeit a total labor of love on my part.  This particular four day work week I got exactly sixteen hours of sleep which makes me feel like a mental patient!  It is not the kind of time frame one should be having in depth conversations, balancing the checking account, etc.  You get the picture!

But today…today I somehow ended up in this “let’s get real” conversation with my partner about where our relationship is heading.  She is transgendered and we’re at this little place where she feels the need to honor her inner male and begin the journey of transitioning and I am at a place where I am finally able to understand who I am and it is not even remotely close to anything resembling heterosexuality.  I am unchanging in a world of complete and radical change right now, or so I think.

Maybe I am changing too because of what is going on.  There was a time when I kicked and screamed when she’d bring up the possibility of transitioning because I knew she’d back down.  But over the past decade I grew to understand just how incredibly selfish I was and manipulative to boot when I’d have these little passive aggressive  tantrums.  The part where I’ve changed is where I’ve stopped being a selfish brat and realized it is not my place to force change,  or in this case the lack thereof by my own will.  But in giving up the old me I’ve come to understand that I am helping someone become what it is that will make them happy and it is not even close to what I imagined for myself yet it’s the right thing to do.  So the conversation went around and around those facts that are hard to swallow because as human beings we appreciate stability in our lives.  It is our nature. This conversation was draining yet cathartic.  It was sobering yet full of bliss because it is what she needs to become  and that’s a happy thing.  I’m just not going to think about where that puts me in this whole Rubik’s Cube of life.  It’s unimportant to me because I know I’ll be okay.  I always am.

After this crazy conversation I decided it was mango margarita time.  No, boys and girls and bois, it was TWO mango margarita time on a floatie in the pool where I lifted my chin to the Sun and let the heat wash over me and heal my soul once again.


About instantdyke

How does one fit everything they could into one small box and have it make sense? I don't think it's possible. I could make a small defined list of what makes up "me" but honestly it changes every day because the experiences we go through are the things that keep us bound and flexible at the same time. If you really want to know about me I guess you'll just have to read the blog because spontaneity usually is the key to finding out someone's true self anyway.

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